There is a line in "Our Country's Good" that goes something like this: "I have seen the whites of this animal's bones, his wretched blood and reeky convict urine have spilled on my boots." Now I have no problem delivering that line. "Why?" do you ask. Well the answer is simple: my character has seen someone's urine spill on to his boots, I have seen someone's shit spill on mine.
I know it's odd to have two poop posts in a row. However apparently it shows that when I think about dung I can't change my train of thought. You might be thinking that my blog is all about potty humor. To those people I say a resounding...yes.
Anyway back to the story. This particular one takes place in the great nation of China, because if your looking for a place to shit on someone's shoes it is certainly China ( I say this through first hand experience). I don't want to badmouth China. Visiting it was most likely the best and most delicious (oh my god the food(no seriously)!) time of my life. However all that great food took a steep price on our bowels, reducing our intestines to shapeless waterslides.
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| Pictured Above: The sad truth |
Naturally all the men on the trip would claim they had the worst case of bubble gut. I am ashamed to say that I was one of them. The one decent person on the trip was the young woman who never even bothered to mention her bowel movements.
Eventually, all of our intestines seemed to function on the same schedules, just like a group of boarding school girl's menstrual cycles. This caused us to have a big predicament on our hands, because most of the places we visited only had enough bathroom stalls for about half the men in our group.
Even if there were enough stalls, the stalls were already packed together so tightly that you could play footsie with the person next to you. On top of that an Asian toilet is little more than a hole in the ground.
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| Hot shot aiming required |
One day we stopped at a Chinese restaurant that only had 3 stalls for us 8-9 boys, causing the people waiting to empty their nether regions to rush the people using the stalls. Eventually it was my turn, and I decided to take my sweet time, not to be an ass, but to make sure that... well I didn't want to.... cleanliness reasons, that's why. However this was perhaps the silliest decision I could make. On the surface it seemed like a good idea, however the truth was much darker, and much more smelly. As it turns out the longer I took the more the people in line had to go, and the more they would rush. Eventually when it came to be their turn they would lower their bottoms and... um............See when I went to the bathroom I was like a sniper, one shot one kill. When they went to the bathroom they used their rump as a machine gun: spray and pray. Eventually one of those shots was bound to miss, and miss one of those shots did.
A lot of people think that when someone does their business that it won't ricochet across the room.
Wrong.
Luckily I was able to clean off most of the mess and pretend like nothing ever happened. However, several days later we were in a even worse scenario than before: 2 stalls instead of 3. I barely managed to escape with my dignity, unfortunately for my comrade Adam he wasn't so lucky.
Moral of the story: Don't post two blog posts about poop in a row.
